Brooklyn Shadows.

Ive currently been trying to reach out and reflect in on my lifestyle choices. I know that this is a big thing to say, and it makes me break down in tears at how out of control my body image obsession has become.  I have an eating disorder and its ruining my life. It’s all I can ever think about. I hate food now. I cant look at a nice meal and not think about having to throw it all up. I have tried to start eating more, but im not able to keep any of my food down. It makes me physically sick to think about the food in my stomach. I really need help. My best friend knows about this because I couldnt keep it a secret from her, but she doesnt know how extensive it is. and how much it truly control’s my life. I dont know what to do. 

So i’ll tell you about myself. but I promise you dont want to hear it. I am 18 now. I am obsessed with changing my body and finally becoming thin. This stemming from the abusive relationship I just pulled myself away from. I started being bulimic again, its worse now than it ever has been and i’m struggling to pull myself back in by eating healthier. I am also doing Insanity, but it seems that I become more consumed with my body image and eating only good foods that I am really unable to stop binging and purging. I starve myself to make it worth while but then I get so hungry and one bite leads to a full on eating spree, then I just feel so disgusting that the thought of all that food makes me throw up anyway, I dont even have to gag myself at all. I am trying to learn to control myself. And I am starting with healthy food. If I don’t have healthy food then I don’t allow myself to eat at all. I am going to fix myself. 

>I wash my feet everynight before I go to bed, cause im scared of getting my sheets dirty.

>I pretended like my parents divorse didnt effect me-the truth is that i know it was my fault.

>I used to think my dad would hit me because he cared so much, turns out he was just an angry person.

>I used to inflict self-harm to hope the pain go away.

>I used to throw up my food everyday, and I learned to heal.

>I cant eat food without feeling guilty for everything that I swallow.

>Every guy I’ve ever been with has used me and abused me.

>I lost my virginity at the age of 14….to an 18 year old.

>That 18 year old had a girlfriend, and a baby on the way.

>No guy has ever cared enough to make me his girlfriend.

>No guy has ever cared at all.

>I havnt held a bestfriend for more than a year.

>I have abandoment issues.

>I am bruised.

>I am broken.

>And i can barley take anymore.

R,

I thought today alot about the past. It’s been a year and some odd months since i last saw you. I think about what you would look like if you were still here. What you would be doing if you hadn’t left. What if someone had stopped you. What if you hadnt been able to find your car keys. What if. I guess thats what it always amounts to. A giant what if.  Dude we miss you. I dont know how much longer DK can stay sober without you here. I went and visited him the other day, and he seems as normal as always. But im worried about him. I am so worried.  I hope you see him up there, and send your blessings our way.  Ill send you up some love soon!

Stay peachy,

TGOD for lifeeee.

-B.

R,

Today I miss you alot. But I know that I am lucky to be alive.  I am more accepting of what happened and I know that I cannot change the past. I can only look on to the future.  This week a girl from lhs died in a car crash. I know you have met her already, and I really hope your okay up there. I know the big man can handle you guys:)  I had a dream the other day that I drove up to this party and your car was in the driveway.  I ran into the house to find you chillen as always.  I wish you were still here.  I wish that someone could help DK.  He left the rehab center. And im really afraid for his life rob. I’m really scared that he’s never going to be able to be “normal” again. Well I suppose nobody will ever be the same. But I really need you to help him get the help he needs. I know he blames himself everyday. And I dont want him to do anything crazy… Help him Rob, please. 

Love you lots,

B.

so my dad just said to me “what about eating dinner on the gravity plate? with kelsey? huhuhuh? eating diiiiiner…” me:”you have no idea what your talking about.”

R,

Yesterday was your birthday. We went and ate with your mom and all of our friends. It was wonderful, you would have loved it.  Your mom made a speech about how everything begins with sorry. and that even though we make mistakes we will always be sorry.  When you wrote on your FB you said sorry, thats how i know that God forgave you.  I wrote on a balloon and sent it to you, did you get it? I hope you did. :) I saw you yesterday in the sunshine, i knew it was you. Oh how I miss you.  I know your in heaven enjoying paradise and making everyone laugh with your contagious smile. 

Love you Tierra buddy,

B.

R,

Tommarows your birthday, and we are all gathering at your grave.  I cant believe its already been this long. I wish you were still here. I know you would have convinced my mom to let me by my acura.  I know how much you liked hondas. I miss you bud. But i know were going to have some fun talking about you tommarow.

Love you,

B.

R,

I talked about you alot to day. I still miss you, but i will see you soon. I saw that one special ed kid that we always used to say looked like you.  I tapped gabe on the arm and said “ray…” and then smilled.  and the kid looked up!! he looked up strait at me! gawd i miss you.  I still dont understand. you could be right here now. I talked about you to my creative writing class.  we talked about your house. and some of the funny shit you did. well i think im going to go to your grave and hang out for a bit, so i gotta go. :))

Love you so very very much,

B.